


I'm A Mess

by cestlavieminako



Category: Ultraman Z - Fandom
Genre: M/M, canon and headcanons and AU oh my!, dipping my toes into the Z fandom here, not entirely canon, spoilers for episode 5 of Ultraman Z!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:40:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25368529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cestlavieminako/pseuds/cestlavieminako
Summary: Gai would stretch out his hand to countless others who needed saving, but he'd never extended that help to Juggler.
Relationships: Hebikura Shota/Kojiro Inaba, past Kurenai Gai/Jugglus Juggler
Comments: 17
Kudos: 19





	I'm A Mess

**Author's Note:**

> **SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 5 OF ULTRAMAN Z (like it's stuff we all expected, but I'll slap this on here just in case).**
> 
> Ok so this came about entirely because Neckspike mentioned Bako and Hebikura as a couple, and I kinda fell in love with the idea. I'm also vaguely hinting at things that happened during all of the Orb Chronicles content. AND I'm going ahead with an AU idea I had for Z, where Juggler left Gai and took their son (Haruki) and wound up in a whole different dimension where he thought he wouldn't have to see an Ultraman again, but...whoops. (Maybe I'll write this AU eventually, or maybe I'll just drops bits of it here and there. I just cannot unsee the fact that Haruki kind of looks like Gai and I've been lowkey thinking about this AU since the beginning)
> 
> I just love the idea of Juggler being in a more stable relationship with someone patient and kind who supports him, but Jug still has all sorts of shit to sort through, mentally. Idk.

“Nnn…harder…”

The Storage base was empty of all personnel, dark save for the light that burned in Hebikura’s office, quiet save for the sounds of flesh meeting flesh and the occasional soft sound of pleasure. After a time, the sound of movement ceased, and a long, low groan echoed in the room, before silence fell once again.

Hebikura’s shuddering body bowed forward, leaning heavily against Bako’s, his hair hanging loose, the sweaty strands framing his face, as opposed to its usual tidy combed-back style. 

“Feeling better now?” Bako murmured, running one hand along Hebikura’s back, hearing a soft sound echo in his throat. “Want to talk about what’s been bothering you?” His hands moved up to Hebikura’s hair, trying to comb it back from his eyes into some semblance of order.

Hebikura sighed softly, and absurdly, his thoughts drifted to the way Gai would always brush his hair back, as if refusing to give him that small amount of cover. He was uncomfortable with intimate situations like that, like _this_ , where it felt as though he couldn’t look away, where he felt like someone was waiting to hear his deepest, darkest thoughts.

And oh, his thoughts could be quite dark. No one else needed to be privy to them. As of late, even _he_ didn’t want to face his own darkness…yet a moment could pass, and then he would want to wrap himself up in it, like a familiar blanket that would drown everything else out.

And it wasn’t as though he could tell Bako-san all of this. He couldn’t tell him how it had hurt, when Haruki had come back the first time after that Ultraman had appeared, and Hebikura had spotted the case hanging from his belt, that he had definitely not possessed until that moment.

It was as though the gods were laughing at him, even now. He hadn’t been pure enough back then, to acquire the powers of Orb; instead, they’d gone to Gai, the bumbling idiot. And now, in a whole different reality, where years had passed without any sort of Ultraman sightings, it seemed that this one had chosen his son to use his powers.

It served to remind him that, no matter what he did, no matter how he tried to atone, no matter how he desperately _wanted_ to change…that he wasn’t good enough. What was the point? Even now, he could feel the darkness bubbling up inside him. He didn’t need the light; he had his own power again, didn’t he? He didn’t have to pretend to be Hebikura Shota…he was Jugglus Juggler, and he could take whatever he wanted. He didn’t need to work alongside of these humans; he could rule them, if he chose.

But…

He _wanted_ to change. He’d begun to enjoy the simple pleasures in this fake life of his. Sevenger and Windom were quite ambitious creations for humans, and truthfully, they’d managed for some time without needing an Ultraman around. Granted, there were a few times he’d needed to look at the plans for the robots, and when no one was looking, he’d made notes that would allow them to actually bring things to fruition, rather than have the machines fail immediately. 

Bako-san was so different from Gai. His intelligence, his willingness to listen and offer solutions to whatever was troubling him. He’d been there practically from the moment Juggler had created this new persona for himself. He hated having to depend on someone, hated it _so much_ , but Bako was a steady presence in his life, whether he was slipping him a mug of coffee at just the moment he needed it, or making certain that Juggler had taken his meds that day. He’d likely be taking those for the rest of his life—the Kugutsu venom had played hell with his mind, even after he’d been cured. The seeds from the Tree Of Life clearly were not a one-size-fits-all cure for it. Gai didn’t understand why Juggler had destroyed the tree; clearly Orb’s power had helped purify him when he’d been poisoned, but Juggler hadn’t had that luxury. Had Gai truly never thought it over, through all of their encounters? Why Juggler had so suddenly and drastically spiraled downward? 

Gai would stretch his hand out to help countless people who needed saving, but he’d never extended that help to Juggler. Maybe if he had…

He shook his head abruptly, fighting to drag himself out of his thoughts and back into the present, where Bako had given up on his attempt to fix Hebikura’s hair, and had instead drawn him close, his arms around his back, as if he’d known that the other man simply needed to be held. It was comforting, being treated like this. And yet, he was still so hesitant to truly let his guard down. 

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed since Bako had asked him if he wanted to talk, but he finally sighed and murmured, “Not yet.”

If he’d been with Gai, the fool would have either forgotten what he’d said, or would have fallen asleep before getting an answer.

But Bako merely nodded. “If you change your mind, or anytime you need to talk…”

Hebikura made a soft sound of affirmation. “I know,” he murmured, then a small smile crossed his lips. “If I ever decide to unpack everything, I could occupy your time for days, you know.”

“If you decide that, well, just give me advance notice so I can clear my schedule,” Bako replied.

“Things would fall apart if I stole you for a day,” Hebikura said with a chuckle, finally moving off Bako’s lap, and they set to fixing their clothing. He glanced at the time, his gaze then falling on the cot in the corner of his office. There was little point in leaving now, when the sun would be rising in a few hours.

Bako watched Hebikura’s movements, and he rose to his feet, clasping the other man’s shoulder. “Might as well get as much sleep as you can. I think I’ll do the same. Morning’ll be here far too soon, and I’m getting too old for all-nighters.”

“Please. You have more energy than everyone else in Storage combined,” Hebikura chuckled. He couldn’t help but lean in to brush his lips against Bako’s, surprising them both.

Then Bako left, and Hebikura sank down onto his cot, closing his eyes and hoping he could drift into slumber before his mind dragged up any more fragments of his past to torment him with.

Surprisingly, sleep came easily that night. It was not nearly long enough, but what little there was, it was restful, and he was thankful for that.


End file.
